UPDATE! – FROM VACATION TO DISTRIBUTION DEAL?

Hello my darling readers, I am back in the Big Apple and I hate to break the news to you, but I’ve put on weight!!  Yes, close your gaping mouths, (someone should’ve said that to me) I put on 1 1/4 pounds over the past several weeks!  That’s what I get for going on a culinary escapade across America.

When I last checked in I was headed out for a little network suggested hiatus from the show.  My plan was to trek around the New York Tri-State area and immerse myself in the sights, sounds and smells of this wonderful state. I started at the S’barro in our lobby. They have an all-you-can-eat pizza and pasta special but I always go for their “Chicken Portofino” with a side of baked ziti. Their menu describes the dish as “a tender chicken breast, dipped in egg batter, sautéed with sherry wine, green zucchini and yellow squash.” And while it’s quite tasty, I think they could skimp on the squash and add more of the sherry!

With my Dolce bags in tow and my segment producer Heather (I wouldn’t say she’s always complaining, but she’s certainly got an “edge”) doing the “towing”, we climbed into the company limo, (a Ford Gremlin) and were on our way!

Now I know what you’re thinking… Why would anyone drive in New York?…Oh, and why were we in a Ford Gremlin?! Well I suspected The Applause Network might be having some financial troubles but they didn’t want to burden me with them. Frown lines you know. So I turned a blind eye (my left one) which you should never do when you’re driving.  Heather’s voice reached uncharted decibels as she screamed “WENDY’S!!!!!!!”.  As we gently screeched to a halt. I went inside the restaurant and left Heather to deal with the mangled spokes and handlebars under the front grill. Who parks a 10-speed in a handicapped spot?

While I’ve never been a fan of this place, because I’m scared of red-headed step-children… all children really, I was surprised to find a delightful chili on their menu. Now my mother’s chili was nothing more than Big Macs, ketchup and tortillas in a blender, but this girl Wendy packs a punch with her special sauce! If I had to break it down, I’d say the ingredients were oregano, cayenne pepper and something else I’m allergic to… cumin, I think… My swelling tongue says “yes”.

Exhausted from a 12 hour day of driving we couldn’t be more pleased to see the signs welcoming us to the Garden State.  New Jersey.  How lovely!  My stomach was telling me it was time for a snack, or that I needed to throw up.  But, the sign on the horizon made my decision for me.  DENNYS!  I couldn’t wait to get my lips on a “Banana Rama Berry Iced Tea” (doctored up with a little airport bottle of gin from my trip to Atlantic City). Legendary for their heavenly concoctions, I found a new menu item that takes the cake, covers it in cheese and makes me hungry for more! This deep fried grilled cheese sandwich is not for the lactose intolerant or people with a will to live, but it is better than it looks and the marinara has a nice zing to it!

Happy and content, and not at all worried about my increasing heart rate, (Heather promised it was just indigestion and pleaded with me not to call the hospital), we settled into our cute little motel room. And it was just as my head hit the plank disguised as a pillow that I remembered the Applause Network’s shaky financial future.  Perhaps after a night of beauty rest, I could re-address the issue, but for now,  I was off to the bathroom for 3 hours.  And then, sleep.

Having never made it back to the comfort of my polyester (wool? burlap?) sheets, I found myself facedown on the bathroom floor.  For as rough and provincial as the rest of my accommodations were, the bathroom tiles were perfectly laid.  With half my makeup still holding strong from yesterday and the rest holding strong to the floor, staring up at me like a Monet, I was ready in half the time and we were off to breakfast.  We were in the mood for some down home cookin’, a real taste of the south in the north east.  Luckily we found it!  KFC!!!

While wiping bacon grease from my mouth Heather received a facebreak-twatter, message from her second cousin in Los Angeles.  Suddenly, it occurred to me!  I couldn’t feel the left side of my body!  PLUS, I realized that in order to keep  “McCracken Live!” on America’s radar, we needed to go full-blown viral!  (Which, I suspected had already happened last night at the Bit O’ Paris Motel), but more to the point, I decided that the interweb could help the Applause Network reach  a newer, bigger, hipper audience!  And in turn, the next time they send me on a vacation I could eat a little better? Like T.G.I.Fridays?

I called a lovely contact on the West Coast and was immediately whisked out to Los Angeles to appear on the hottest new web series “Miss Behave”, broadcast on an absolutely fabulous website called KoldCastTV! They have shows about aliens, superheroes, and teenagers! (I asked if all the shows were all horror based but apparently they’re not). More updates on McCracken Live! and Kold Cast TV coming soon! I’m so pleased, and I learned something…  Sometimes in order to get something good, you have to eat something bad.   So, I’m expecting greatness.